There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
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Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
dogs can find happiness so easily
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.