Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Festive toon…

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

💀💀💀💀

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.