Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

I ate everything, including the H.

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

A decision was made here.

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question