Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]