Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

subtitles are so good nowadays

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.