Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

Arrest that man!

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

wtf is a larm clock?

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.