There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

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11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?


My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.


Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here



Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes


{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.


I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”


Slow down in those corduroy pants. You’ll ignite a bush fire.


[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best


Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv


You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”