@EdnaSugar

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

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@robin_991

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

@Social_Mime

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

@whis_pea

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

@drsammytweets

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

@AmericanGent69

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

@sixfootcandy

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

@ScottLinnen

Slow down in those corduroy pants. You’ll ignite a bush fire.

@david8hughes

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

@LlamaInaTux

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

@simoncholland

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”