Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*