Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
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I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.