Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

ㅤ

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

And that about sums it up.