Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.