Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

bat life

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

No regrets in 2018

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.