Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The three genders

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

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When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.