thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
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Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
new record!
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I