thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
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Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
This anagram machine is out of order.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.