thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
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Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*