These 3D printers are insane!
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me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you