These 3D printers are insane!
You Might Also Like
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Bloody internet 😳
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
79.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.