These 3D printers are insane!
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My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Whisper out to librarians!
I support this random dude and all his protests
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.