These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary