These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
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“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.