These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
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I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
My birthstone is kidney
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
so weird how every mom was born today
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.