These aliens are taking forever.
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After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
🤣
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
The only equipped I am is ill.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?