These aliens are taking forever.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
The cycle continues
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.