These aliens are taking forever.
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[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Shower sex be like:
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”