These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
You Might Also Like
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
How does someone manage that 🤨
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
It’s the weekend y’all
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.