These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
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Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Thoughts
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH