These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
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I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Suuuuure
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.