These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
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Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
We need more people like this.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!