These are dark times.
~me, everyday at 4pm
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ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
Art by Pastelkatto
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.