These are my emotional support Pringles.
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She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine