These are my roll models.
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6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
