These are my roll models.
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No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
6: are snakes just neck?
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Need this in my life lol
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Thoughts
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Worth a try
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.