“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
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When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.