These are so Plastic Man-core
You Might Also Like
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?