These are so Plastic Man-core
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wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁