These are so Plastic Man-core
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Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Girl, same.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.