These are so Plastic Man-core
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My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Oh no
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.