These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
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Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
these two trucks have the same bed length
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.