These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
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dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill