Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me trying to look natural in photos

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

I don’t call them exes, I call them whys

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.