These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
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Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
March 16
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.