These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
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The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife