Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.