These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
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It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉