These are too funny not to post 😂
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Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”