These are too funny not to post 😂
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“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Thursday
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor