Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is