Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

I think I’m gonna be sick

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

the pigeons are already plenty salty