These aren’t even hard anymore.
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Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY