These aren’t even hard anymore.
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i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”