These aren’t even hard anymore.
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Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?