Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”