these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
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whelp that’s enough instagram for today
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.