Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

A roof is a house hat.

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*

mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

What’sApp

Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …

*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*

Mom: Fish, honey!

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.