These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
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Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
The Wolf of Wall Street.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.