Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early