These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
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Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane