Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen