These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
You Might Also Like
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I put the mess in domestic.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
