Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

I love it

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

After 35, your body ages in dog years

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”