Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

I don’t make the rules sorry

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

boat question

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”