These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
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I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?