Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”