These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
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[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”