These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
You Might Also Like
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
respect
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I ate everything, including the H.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.