these can’t be my only options
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Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Still cracks me up
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.