these can’t be my only options
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Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Happy Star Wars day!
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.