these can’t be my only options
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You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget