These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
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Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.