These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
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He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
2022 will be better than 2021
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
A man of commitment.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me