Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
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How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
The Compass
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]