These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
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I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
when someone rings the doorbell
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
sign of the times 🖊
