Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

I Can’t Tonight…

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”