These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
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Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Siri, fight Alexa.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
crazy
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.