These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
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Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u