Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

Today’s tshirt

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”