These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
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I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.