These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
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I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Close call…
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”