These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
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she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.