Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

when someone rings the doorbell

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.

Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…

Nope, no thank you.

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

Seems kinda suspicious

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.