Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
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[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?