Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

Meow

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

Things that keep me up at night #6874

The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.