These dogs look like they have good credit.
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I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.
The charge is wreckless driving.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.